Invisible Sickness

Living With An Invisible Sickness

It has been two years now. Two years since my body has been anything but “normal”. I thought my journey would end once I explanted my 14 year old breast implants. In fact, I did have a brief glimpse into the person I used to be (energetic, carefree, pain free) right after my explant surgery.

My symptoms were gone, I could run effortlessly for miles, and my heart was happy (and relieved). I thought I was officially healed. The implants were the problem, or so I thought!

Fast forward to today, my reality tells me something different.

It’s hard writing this post because I grapple with how misleading my journey has been. At the beginning in 2018, when I was taken down by such debilitating symptoms, doctors just didn’t know what was wrong. I suspected Lyme disease right away, but tests couldn’t prove it. So I had to keep searching.

The closest answer I got was that I had toxins, parasites, and other pathogens causing problems in my body. Tests could prove that. In fact, treatment for these things actually did help lessen the pain. Then I was given hope through my research that perhaps my breast implants could have been causing my symptoms. Without much hesitation, I scheduled to have my implants removed. It certainly couldn’t hurt to have these foreign objects out of my body, I thought. At the very most, it might be the answer I was looking for.

Shortly after my one glorious, return-to-great-health month after healing from surgery, I was plagued with a new symptom. A really sore throat that felt like something was stuck or enlarged took over my being. I thought maybe I had eaten something that got lodged in my throat the wrong way and just needed time to dislodge. The pain grew with each passing week and was really horrendous for about 8 months.

If It’s Not One Thing, It’s Another

Doctors couldn’t find anything wrong. The pain finally subsided after 8 months, but the sensation of something being in my throat lingered until the 11th month. During those long months, I also developed bouts with vertigo, random dizziness, tightness in my chest, fatigue, shortness of breath, weight gain that wouldn’t go down regardless of nutrition or exercise, sensations of things crawling in my left ear, fluttering in my left ear, numbness and tingling around my ear, tender “blood”, and a few weeks of extreme anxiety. Again, doctors couldn’t find anything causing my symptoms.

I was dealing with an invisible sickness that only I knew about. From the outside, I looked perfectly normal and healthy. In a lot of ways, this maddened me because I wanted others to know how much I was suffering. Instead, expectations of me were the same. Because I wasn’t overtly sick, I must be able to carry out daily routines and activities. I should be able to socialize. WRONG.

I didn’t want people to think I was being lazy because I simply could not find the energy to participate in life the way I used to. Nothing bothered me more than not being able to carry on with life the way I really wanted to.

The Harsh Reality

Most days I am extremely fatigued and feel weak. For someone who grew up active and athletic, feeling weak does not sit well with me. Why are my muscles burning and aching for no reason? Why am I out of breath from folding a towel to put in the linen closet? I’ve only been awake for a few hours, why do I feel like I need to lie down and sleep? Yes, these are questions that I think to myself almost every day.

My eyes are welling up with tears as I write this. I am sad. I feel a sense of despair. Nothing about me wants to be spending my days in bed. I want to be outside, running and playing. Not preoccupied with every pain or sensation that runs through my body….constantly.

There are some good days. For those days, I am so thankful. It’s on these days that I typically overexert myself because I’m simply so relieved to be feeling better. I can garden, play outside, go for walks, etc. I pray that what ailed me is finally gone. Gone for good. Sadly though, these types of days are quickly followed with more days of invisible pain.

From This to That

Now, I am dealing with months worth of symptoms. New symptoms. You see, with whatever is going on in my body, symptoms seem to change. Currently, I have recurring waves of chills through my body, serious belly bloating and nausea, pelvis discomfort, major sinus congestion, migratory joint pain, and moderate fatigue. My shortness of breath persists on most days. But, many of the symptoms (noted above) I had months ago have disappeared….for now.

Nothing Seems to Make Sense.

This has been the most frustrating journey. Doctors don’t seem to know how to help me. Heck, I don’t even know how to help me at this point. I have focused on my nutrition cutting out all refined sugar, dairy, gluten, and processed foods opting for fully plant based (veggie packed) meals. Despite these changes, my inflammation doesn’t seem to be going down and my gut issues aren’t lessening. Overall, symptoms aren’t disappearing.

I continue my dry brushing routine, hydrate adequately to flush toxins, and take supplements to support my body’s detox processes. Sadly since we moved last summer, I haven’t had access to an infrared sauna this time around, so toxins aren’t leaving my body quite as quickly.

Other healing practices I employ include: rebounding on a trampoline a few times a week, drinking filtered water, doing yoga and earthing, choosing chemical-free products, smiling and laughing, and expressing gratitude daily. I know these are all supportive to my health.

Spiritually, my faith is being challenged which I never thought would happen. While I still practice daily affirmations, “I am healing” and “There is purpose in my pain”, I still find myself questioning my source. Why am I missing out on all these great years in life? Why can’t I find a healer who has the answers?

I pray and beg for the Universe to send me a healer pretty much every minute.

So What Now?

I really don’t know how to answer that question. *Sigh* My intuition keeps going back to Lyme disease or that something viral is circulating throughout my body but the truth is, I just don’t know. I am working hard on finding a healer who can delve a little deeper with me. There has to be answers.

At this point, I’m open to anything that might help. Anything.

For those that have been loyal readers of my blog, you know all about my journey. You know the ups and downs of it. The hopes and the despairs. I will continue to experiment with myself until I find ultimate healing. I know it’s a very personal journey and that no one’s healing journey is ever quite the same.

Healing happens on so many levels: physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, and energetically.

One thing is for sure, I can’t give up. I’ve learned how precious life is from all the days I’ve had to spend in my bed. It’s the days that I’m not bedridden that remind me to embrace life and enjoy it fully. It’s the joy in those good days that keep me chasing for more of them.

So stay tuned for future updates. If you feel so inclined, I welcome your prayers for my healing. I’m ready for this invisible sickness to be gone so I can live life to my spirit’s fullest potential.

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