Hello readers! I hope all of you are doing well and really enjoying your September. I have had a busy start to the month with getting my three year old off to nursery school and making appointments with multiple doctors to discuss what is happening with my health.
While I still don’t have definitive answers, I do feel like I am headed in the right direction with figuring out what is happening (more on that in a minute). Luckily my amazing husband and son have been so supportive and as “understanding” as they possibly can be. Without them, I don’t know how I would be getting out of bed every day. Some days, all I want to do is stay in bed and cry.
I have been praying for guidance and for healing and I believe that is coming my way. I dream of the day when I feel 100% and like I am on top of the world. I honestly can’t remember that feeling very well these days which is sad. My soul is happy-go-lucky, carefree, “sparkly”, and spirited but my physical body feels drastically different from that. The disconnect is so frustrating because I miss the “old me”.
My heart goes out to anyone who suffers from chronic pain or illness, it truly is a struggle I never understood until this year. The confusion, frustration, and depression that accompanies such a condition is REAL. I have such compassion and empathy for those who desperately want to reclaim their health and vitality when they know it’s not in their SOUL to feel so broken down.
If you’re reading this and you can relate, please know that you’re not alone. Together, we can offer support and understanding to one another.
So my next two scheduled appointments are with a neurologist and a breast explant surgeon. In my heart of hearts, I don’t think anything is wrong with my head or with my spine, but I do want to rule out the possibility that something in those regions might be causing my symptoms, particularly my weekly migraines.
Two weekends ago, I woke up with ocular disturbance having white floaters in my right eye and I lost peripheral vision for about 45 minutes. I’ve lost vision in this eye probably five times in my whole life (my first experience was sitting in math class when I was 16 – scary!). Usually shortly after losing my vision, a horrendous migraine ensues. This past weekend, my vision was restored within 45 minutes and you guessed it, a horrible headache followed shortly after. It wasn’t a full-blown migraine, but it was a headache that lasted two days! So, for peace of mind, I do feel like making the appointment with a neurologist is a good move.
Now, onto the next consultation. After researching my symptoms on the good old Googley-Goog, I was directed to several sites discussing Breast Implant Illness, BII for short. Holy crappola! I had just about every symptom on a list of 50+ symptoms! What’s more, after I joined an online support group for BII, I started realizing that MY story sounded eerily similar to thousands of other women’s stories.
I will be writing another blog post on all of this in the coming weeks, but I wanted to give you a heads up of what’s coming down the pike here. It’s time to rule out a few more things! My consultations are at the very end of this month and it feels like torture. I just want answers like….YESTERDAY. The waiting and knowing that I will continue to feel like utter crap for more weeks to come is so disheartening.
But wait, that’s not all…
As if I needed one more thing to add to the list, I was recently notified that I have basal cell skin cancer right by my eye. I have had two MOHs surgeries before to cut out basal cells, so I know the procedure and what to expect which is nice. However, this particular surgery will be quite tricky I presume because the cancer cells are right by where my eye meets my nose (aka, the tear duct). After the consultation I had today about the surgery, I will be utilizing an ocular plastic surgeon just in case anything goes awry during the procedure that needs addressing since it’s so close to the eye.
While I really wish this wasn’t happening, it’s the least of my worries as far as I’m concerned. At least I know what it is and what can be done about it. Like I said, I have had skin cancer before, so I had a pretty good knowing that the spot I pointed out to my dermatologist a few weeks ago would come back as problematic and need treatment. This other stuff happening in my body is foreign and unknown, so I’m more anxious and scared about it if that makes any sense.
The Lesson In It All…
Anyway, that’s my life right now. Despite the health woes, I want you to know that I have experienced tremendous joy watching my son start nursery school. He reminds me every day that smiling does work wonders for the mind, body, and spirit. I could tell the night before his first day, he was a little excited and anxious because it took him a while to fall asleep. He was hellbent on asking tons of questions about his school, teachers, classroom, you name it!
It reminded me that it’s okay to feel nervous about new experiences and that it’s okay to weather those uncomfortable emotions. Getting to the other side of them is an accomplishment to be proud of. I’m trying to follow his example: don’t let my fears overtake my joy. Fear closes the heart whereas joy opens it and allows love to flow. Love is healing. And right now, I want to heal. Happy loving, everyone!